…please stop making movies. They aren’t good. I know you think they’re art. I know you think of yourself as a modern Stanley Kubrick. They’re not, and you’re not. I’m sorry. Your films are just getting weirder, and a lot dumber.

The problem is that your movies are about things that interest both the staff and, more importantly, the readers of Wandering Goblin. You tell stories about aliens, and comic book heroes, and mythical creatures, and monsters that terrorize villages. This kind of thing intrigues us. We pay a monthly fee to developers to play games featuring those exact same things in virtual worlds. Of course, we’re also willing to pay to see films about these things. Sadly, you’ve taken to repeatedly ripping us – the sci-fi, fantasy, comic-book loving public – all off.

Where once your films featured twist endings and interesting plot lines, lately they’ve been about utter unmitigated crap. You know, aliens that travel across the galaxy, land on Earth, and begin killing people with poison gas for no reason whatsoever. Your ridiculous aliens don’t have particle weapons, they don’t unleash robot armies, they don’t drop omega-bombs. They simply excrete gas. From their wrists. (BTW, where the frak did that “inspiration” come from?) Despite being technologically advanced and possessing faster-than-light travel, they can rather easily be locked in closets. Ultimately, they are defeated and sent packing by people who throw water on them. Really, that’s perfectly understandable. Somehow, when scouting out the Earth’s defenses, they didn’t realize we had running water and advanced hose-and-bucket technology. As everyone knows, the water/hose/bucket combo defeats deadly wrist-gas every single time.

Mr. Shyamalan, you make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

After gracing us with Signs, you then made Lady in the Water. It’s the story of a pretty girl, a water nymph or narf (wtf?), who somehow lands up in an urban swimming pool in Philadelphia where she then befriends an apartment manager and the tenants after of course robbing them blind and stashing everything in her underwater cave. There’s evil wolves made of grass, and a triad being that’s (somehow) three monkey-tree-hybrid things at once. There’s also a great eaglon, which is like a big mythical eagle, except you transmogrified the spelling of eagle (by changing two letters – does your inspiration know no bounds?) to, you know, make the whole thing more mythical. After the narf helps some dude write a book, she leaves with the eagle…I mean eaglon.

[Warning, spoilers for the worst movie of the summer The Happening, and our review of The Incredible Hulk, after the break.]

[Read more...]

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If you enjoyed this post, visit our illustrious Wandering Goblin main page. There’s lots more tomfoolery just like this.

…please stop making movies. They aren’t good. I know you think they’re art. I know you think of yourself as a modern Stanley Kubrick. They’re not, and you’re not. I’m sorry. Your films are just getting weirder, and a lot dumber.

The problem is that your movies are about things that interest both the staff and, more importantly, the readers of Wandering Goblin. You tell stories about aliens, and comic book heroes, and mythical creatures, and monsters that terrorize villages. This kind of thing intrigues us. We pay a monthly fee to developers to play games featuring those exact same things in virtual worlds. Of course, we’re also willing to pay to see films about these things. Sadly, you’ve taken to repeatedly ripping us – the sci-fi, fantasy, comic-book loving public – all off.

Where once your films featured twist endings and interesting plot lines, lately they’ve been about utter unmitigated crap. You know, aliens that travel across the galaxy, land on Earth, and begin killing people with poison gas for no reason whatsoever. Your ridiculous aliens don’t have particle weapons, they don’t unleash robot armies, they don’t drop omega-bombs. They simply excrete gas. From their wrists. (BTW, where the frak did that “inspiration” come from?) Despite being technologically advanced and possessing faster-than-light travel, they can rather easily be locked in closets. Ultimately, they are defeated and sent packing by people who throw water on them. Really, that’s perfectly understandable. Somehow, when scouting out the Earth’s defenses, they didn’t realize we had running water and advanced hose-and-bucket technology. As everyone knows, the water/hose/bucket combo defeats deadly wrist-gas every single time.

Mr. Shyamalan, you make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

After gracing us with Signs, you then made Lady in the Water. It’s the story of a pretty girl, a water being, who somehow swims from the sea to an urban swimming pool in Philadelphia. She then befriends an apartment manager. There’s evil wolves made of grass, and a triad being that’s (somehow) three monkey-tree-hybrid things at once. There’s also a great eatlon, which is like a big mythical eagle, except you transmogrified the spelling of eagle (by changing two letters – does your inspiration know no limits?) to, you know, make the whole thing more mythical. After the water being helps some dude write a book, she leaves with the eagle. I mean eatlon.

[Warning, spoilers for the worst movie of the summer The Happening, and our review of The Incredible Hulk, after the break.]

Yeah, dude, you’re the next Stanley Kubrick. No, really, you are. You’re consistent story-telling genius is simply astounding.

Now your latest movie is called The Happening. That’s a pretty curious title for a film in which very little actually happens. It’s a sloooow plot, a movie about angry, vengeful plants. See, the Earth is being polluted, and the only defense plants have is to develop, at breakneck speed, a toxin that makes everyone commit suicide. Though the toxin causes people to become mentally impaired, they are not impaired when it comes to inventing new ways to kill themselves. No, when it comes to suicide, these befuddled individuals become astonishingly creative. People start large lawnmowers and climb under them, gouge their eyes out with their keys, feed themselves to animals, or bang their heads on walls until they die. It’s amazing.

In your script, plants somehow developed a toxin that makes this happen. Oh, and the plants that invented this toxin are able to communicate this skill to other plants, also at breakneck speed. Inside of 24 hours, plants in New York are able to teach this skill to plants in rural Pennsylvania and all along the Easter Seaboard of the United States. (Truly, Mr. Shyamalan, that was a stroke of creative genius! Plants, communicating poison-making skills to other plants! I can say, with great confidence, that no one has ever thought of such a unique, creative idea before.? Are you frakking high?!) To make the movie even more exciting, the poison-making skill somehow works across numerous species of plants, too. So trees can teach weeds how to make the suicide toxin. Because, you know, that makes perfect sense.

Tree:? “Hey. Yo.? Little buddy?? You getting tired of being pulled out of the ground man?? I got a secret for you.? Yeah, you can kill people.? Yeah, you can get back at those bastards for offing your wife and kids man.? Dude.? Did you know that?? Here, let me show you.”

And that’s really just the exciting parts of your movie, because a large part of the movie is about people walking across open fields. Oh, and then, to finish your movie off with a bang, it just ends. Roll credits, the plants stopped making the toxin.

I’d like to contrast your latest efforts, Mr. Shyamalan, to those of Edward Norton. He’s a young Hollywood up and comer, and he’s clever. He made a movie about the Incredible Hulk, another topic many of the readers of Wandering Goblin are interested in. You know what the movie had in it? The Hulk fighting a whole bunch of soldiers, jeeps, armored personnel carriers, helicopters, super soldiers, and ultimately, Abomination. It was all non-stop action and excitement. There were a lot of explosions, and cars getting thrown around, and fistfights between giant green monsters. It was awesome, and we highly recommend that everyone go see it.

The Hulk and a close friend, hanging out at the movies.

We can’t say the same for your film, Mr. Shyamalan. Your movie was atrocious. A movie based on a comic book was more intelligent than your science fiction “environmental” film. In fact, we’d advise anyone tempted to see your film to resist that temptation firmly. Instead of spending $20 taking a date to your film, that money would be much better spent taking him/her to see The Incredible Hulk. Truth be told, Mr. Shyamalan, that $20 would be much better spent on seeing Sex and the City. Or bowling. Or on buying a 12-pack, and getting drunk. Or, as a last resort, that $20 could be given to a bum so he can buy a nice 40 oz bottle of cheap beer at 7-11, and he can get drunk. At least that way no one spends their hard earned money on your outrageously bad film.

P.S. I spent $19 on two matinee tickets to your film. Please send me my money back. You can send the check to me here at WanderingGoblin.com.

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If you enjoyed this post, visit our illustrious Wandering Goblin main page. There’s lots more tomfoolery just like this.