The EVE Online Techno Bondage Party

or

Our night at the EVE Online – CCP – White Wolf party

When the Wandering Goblin staff received invites to the CCP/White Wolf/EVE party, we didn’t expect to have the experience that we ummm? experienced. To be perfectly honest, we didn’t expect much at all. We thought we were going to walk into a typical, boring industry party. Actually the only real reason the goblins attended this little shindig was because we were all exhausted from our day at the GDC, and we wanted to relax and wind down. Oh yeah, and we thought there would be free booze.

So, we finished up our Games Developers Conference coverage for the day and headed out. We had to take a cab from the cesspool that was our hotel (damn, that hotel really sucked) and in short order we arrived at the nightclub where the Eve party was located. Much to our surprise, the line to get in was out the door and a block and a half down the street.

Sure, there was a long line, but geeks are a patient bunch

We got into line, and pretty soon we started to doubt that this was going to be your average, run of the mill industry party, because the music coming from inside could be heard clearly. Mind you, we were a block and a half away. When we reached the door, a large man frisked me and checked me for weapons. It was the most intimate I?ve ever been with a man before?ok, moving on.

If forced to describe the atmosphere inside the party with only one word, that word would have to be?.bondage. You can read that sentence again if you?d like, but rest assured that you?ve read it correctly. Yes, bondage. Not just any bondage mind you. Futuristic, sci-fi bondage. Yes, the EVE guys may be gamer-geeks from Iceland, but they sure do know how to party!

Right inside the door, there were girls giving out EVE and White Wolf spray-on tattoos. Of course, yours truly thought that would be a perfect way to start the evening. I got EVE tattooed on my forearm, because that was where everyone else was getting their tats.

Airbrushed tats are all the rage at futuristic techno bondage clubs

Next stop was the bar. Our dreams came true when we spotted the big sign above the bar explaining to everyone that the drinks were free. Ahhhh heaven. Drink in hand, we started to check out the rest of the club. This was not easy, mind you: this place was packed.

As you can see, hardly anyone showed up for this event.

First was the dance floor. There were girls in leather and g-strings, sliding up and down poles on stages. There were girls in cages. I would have liked them in a box, I would have liked them with a fox (whoops, sorry, I started to channel Dr. Seuss for a minute there). There were two sexy vixens dancing with each other on the dance floor. Oh, did I mention that they were dressed up fully in cyborg costumes? Luckily, our own intrepid Elvyra was there to snap pictures of all the craziness that was happening around us.

Does it get any better than futuristic girls in cages? The answer is no!

I tried to get them to throw up the WanderingGoblin “W”, but these cyborg hotties have guns for hands.

It’s not every day you get to see futuristic cybernetic babes dancing to techno music The next stop was upstairs. We had heard rumors that there was some crazy whip-and-chain action going on up there. Being goblins, our curious nature led us to the staircase to see for ourselves. Let me just say that all of the rumors were true. Just check the pictures.

It’s real, just look at the red marks on her back.

Oh yeah… right there!

There was a huge scrum of people upstairs – it was a frackin’ zoo. Some were waiting in line for food, some were waiting for in line for drinks, and a third group where all patiently waiting their turn, too. Waiting their turn to be strapped to a large wooden X and beaten by half-naked dominatrices, that is. Allow me to share a brief insight with you, friends: when someone nearby is being whipped, it is simply impossible to tear your eyes away. It’s like a visual magnet.

If you need a little discipline in your life, getting wrapped up in cellophane with a riding crop in your mouth may be the answer

While watching all of the ultra-violence, I was confronted by a sexy nurse with a large syringe. She commanded me to open my mouth. I complied… maybe because I have a weakness for sexy nurses. She put the syringe into my mouth, and injected me with alcohol. It was fantastic. I have never been more happy in my life.

Hellooooo nurse! I have a prescription for that.

I decided to separate from Pig and Elvyra and head for the bar again. I didn’t want all of this free booze to go to waste. While waiting at the bar, I was approached by a man in a mask leading another man around on a leash. These guys were clearly amused by this little display. The masked man started to talk to me through the zipper he called a mouth. After a little bit of conversation, he explained to me that his name was Benjamin Bohn, and he was the art producer for EVE.

It took me a second to recover from this, but I managed to stammer out, “Dude, you’re really the art producer for Eve?”

“Yeah,” he said, handing me the leash. “Hold this.”

“Uh…” I said, trying to hold the leash as politely as possible.

“Slap him,” Benjamin said. When I hesitated Benjamin himself slapped the leashed man across the face.

“Go ahead, slap the bitch!” Benjamin repeated, trying to hold back his laughter.

I didn’t hit him hard, but nonetheless…I slapped him.

Both men burst out laughing. Benjamin then asked, “Do you know who this is?”

“Um, nope. No idea,” I managed to stammer out.

“This is Reynir. He’s the founder of CCP!” he blurted out. Both men positively burst out laughing. I just had to ask, “Can I get a couple of pictures of you guys for the site?” “Sure, no problem!” they both managed to say between fits of laughter.

Let me clarify this a little bit, in case there’s any confusion about anything. These guys are extremely frakkin’ funny. This wasn’t some creepy fetish thing; they were clearly going for an over-the-top humor vibe, and they were succeeding in spades. These guys may be game developers, but they are downright hilarious.

I immediately went to go find Pig and Elvyra. They, too, had stumbled into the bondage trap – they were staring, mesmerized by the regular people who were getting tied up and whipped. I dragged them back down stairs, telling them what I had experienced at the bar on the way. I found the masked art director, and introduced him to Pig and Elvyra. We then saw Mr. Hardarson again. After further introductions, Elvyra snapped the pics.

This is Benjamin Bohn, art producer for EVE Online. This picture has not been altered in any way.

Reynir tries to get us to throw up some EVE hand signs, but at this point in the party, simply coordination was becoming, you know, challenging

Let me start wrapping this up by first saying that all of these Icelanders from CCP are the coolest, nicest guys that you could ever meet. They love their futuristic techno-bondage too… a lot! It was hard to believe that this was a gaming industry party, it was just that much over the top. Of course, as goblins, we feed on things that are over the top and it all really resonated with us.

If there’s any doubters out there, allow me to assure you that everything written in this article is true… folks, you simply can’t make stuff like this up. Plus, we’ve got the pictures to prove it.

Does this picture really require a caption? I think not

Somehow, we made it home to the roach motel. It’s all pretty blurry, but I do remember Pig shoving me into a cab. The next morning, I felt like I’d been hit by a semi truck. I went over to the bathroom, and saw my reflection in the mirror. I had EVE blasted on my forehead. ?I don’t remember doing that?, I said to myself.

A few doubts began to creep in. What else did I do that night that I don’t remember? I thought that my fellow goblins – Pig and Elvyra – were supposed to make sure I didn’t do anything crazy. I mean, they know how I get when I’m with naughty nurses in bondage clubs! Weren’t they supposed to be watching my back? Thanks a lot guys!

I came, I saw, I drank waaaaaay to many Jello shooters.

Overall, the party was a very, very good time, and a great way to close out the GDC. I can guarantee that we’ll be doing everything we can to get invites to next years Eve-CCP-White Wolf shindig. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this whole episode, it’s this: nobody, but nobody, can party as hard as an Icelander.