28 Psychic Predictions for MMOs in 2008

by

The Wandering Goblin Staff

Shortly after the new year, your Wandering Goblin staffers ? Pig, Elvyra, The Evil Kristof, and Stinkerbelle ? all got together to have a ?meeting of the minds.? The topic at hand was the future of MMO gaming.

Our goal was to predict the big MMO news events of 2008. During our round table discussion, each of us submitted our personal prognostications for the upcoming year. This list is the cumulative result of those discussions. It’s also a result of our uncontrollable tendency to make fun of everything and everybody (even each other), and the fact that the entire staff was really, really badly hung over that day. But no matter: this is the official Wandering Goblin list of MMO predictions for 2008!

1. During 2008 there will be no less than three dozen stories about MMOs in China, not one of which will be positive. Every MMO story to come out of China will be weird, controversial, or weirdly controversial. [The Evil Kristof]

2. A internal Blizzard memo from Mike Morhaime will be leaked to the public. The memo instructs Blizzard developers to cease using the phrase, ?when it’s done? when asked about the release dates of Blizzard games. Citing this former catchphrase as giving ?too much information,? and ?being way too hasty,? Morhaime instructs all developers to instead use either the phrase, ?when pigs fly,? or, as an alternative, ?when the sun grows cold.? [Stinkerbelle]

3. Three vampire-themed MMOs, two superhero MMOs, four horror MMOs, one cowboy MMO, two spy MMOs, one military MMO, three pirate MMOs, two post-apocalyptic MMOs, and five sci-fi MMOs will all be announced this year as ?being in development.? Not one of these titles will ever be released, however, and all will die in development. [The Evil Kristof]

4. Three-hundred forty-seven vaguely Tolkien-esqe, fantasy MMOs will be announced in 2008. Most will eventually be completed, increasing the overall population of elves and gnomes in virtual space by a factor of 10. [The Evil Kristof]

5. In January of 2008, Jack Thompson will temporarily lose his law license. As soon as he is reinstated, he will sue the governors of 39 states, the U.S. Army, the President of the United States, the Chancellor of Germany, Harvard University, the Queen of England, and the Pope. He will boldly proclaim on the news that the aforementioned entities are all in a ?cabal? that is ?conspiring to bring violent video games into the homes of innocent children? world wide. The suit will be thrown out when Thompson attempts to introduce a nude painting of Czar Ivan IV as ?evidence? supporting his case . [Elvyra]

6. In Q1 of 2008, Perpetual Entertainment will release an update to the press documenting the ongoing development and impressive progress of Star Trek Online. In what is certainly an amazing coincidence, this announcement occurs just days before Perpetual executives are scheduled to meet with potential new investors. [Pig]

7. Second Life will continue to be the unfettered love interest of the mainstream media throughout 2008. This is despite the fact that there isn’t jack crap to actually do in SL, except watch watch other SLers cross-dress, transform themselves into giant bugs, or trade insults while dressed up as a farm animals. [Elvyra]

8. LOTRO will achieve an impressive 800,000 subscriptions. The mainstream media and gaming journalists alike will continue to ignore this trend, and will instead continue to cover utterly fascinating Second Life stories. These exciting stories will include such hot topics as ?AT&T establishes a corporate presence in SL?, ?KD Lang will hold a virtual concert in Second Life?, and ?Medical students can now study anatomy in SL.? [Elvyra]

9. Developers and executives from 38 Studios, including Curt Schilling himself, will continue to give interviews about their upcoming MMO. During these interviews, the executives will continue their now-entrenched tradition of refusing to actually divulge anything about the game. They will, however, gladly discuss the ?superstars? that are continuously being hired by the studio. Despite this, gaming journalists will continue to eagerly attend 38 Studios press conferences, conduct interviews with their execs, and write fawning fluff articles containing no new factual information whatsoever. [Pig]

10. In Q2 of 2008, Perpetual Entertainment will release a statement to the press documenting the continued progress of Star Trek Online and declaring the game ?content complete?. In what is yet another amazing coincidence, this announcement occurs just days before Perpetual executives are scheduled to meet with potential new investors. [Pig]

11. ArenaNet will continue to be the most efficient MMO company in history. They will launch Guild Wars 2 on time. The launch will be flawless. They’ll also develop the first expansion to the game six months later, which will also release right on time. Guild Wars 2 will be even more successful than Guild Wars, attracting 6 million customers. Unfortunately, no gaming journalists will be available to cover the amazing success of Guild Wars, as their executive editors have sent them off to yet another fact-free interview with 38 Studios ?superstars? or to cover yet another story of some corporation establishing a presence in Second Life. [Stinkerbelle]

12. A full dozen MMOs for gamers 12-and-under will be published. Each will feature raising animals, befriending animals, riding animals, finding new animals, rescuing animals, or actually being an animal. [Stinkerbelle]

13. The rumored KOTOR MMO, the rumored BioShock MMO, the rumored Mass Effect MMO, the rumored Diablo III MMO, the rumored Fallout MMO, and the rumored Firefly MMO will all continue to be just that, rumors. Further, rumors that Starcraft: Ghost is once again in production will repeatedly resurface this year. Despite the utter lack of facts to support any of these rumors, there will be hundreds of articles written on these ?possibly in development? projects. [Pig]

14. An extremely bad MMO entitled The Pyramid Builders of Ancient Egypt will be launched by developer Boring Academic Games (BAG). It will have a terrible launch, punctuated by server crashes nearly every half hour. Nearly every MMO blogger and journalist in the business will decry the clunky framerate, the offensive mini game in which Hebrew slaves are beaten, and the tedious but necessary mining of huge slabs of rock. Gamespot will give the game a very surprising 9.5/10 however. Gamespot spokesmen will reassure everyone that the score reflects an honest evaluation of the game, and not the fact that developer BAG spent millions advertising Pyramid Builders on the Gamespot website. [Elvyra]

15. In Q3 of 2008, Perpetual Entertainment will release an update to the press documenting the ?ongoing and impressive? progress of Star Trek Online. This press release will contain a single screenshot, the first seen by anyone in nearly a year, proving the game still exists. In what is yet another amazing coincidence, this announcement occurs just days before Perpetual executives are scheduled to meet with potential new investors. [Pig]

16. Largely because of the fact that they tend to rant and rave at any camera pointed in their direction, the Warhammer Online devs continue to give the most entertaining interviews in MMO history. These interviews will appease the gaming public until WAR is finally released in Q4 2008. [The Evil Kristof]

17. Just prior to release of Warhammer Online, one intrepid investigative reporter will discover that the WAR devs have been secretly taking acting lessons from WWE wrestlers. The gaming public will collectively acknowledge that this fact ?explains all the yelling and finger pointing,? during on camera interviews, but will continue to demand more interviews like these. [The Evil Kristof]

18. Blizzard developers will take to giving interviews in ?super-slo-mo? to match the pace of their game development. At BlizzCon ‘08, Tom Chilton will give a super-slo-mo presentation discussing the features of the still unreleased Wrath of the Lich King expansion. His presentation will last for nearly 14 hours despite being composed of only 12 Powerpoint slides. [Stinkerbelle]

19. During 2008, Affinity Media (a subsidiary of gold-selling company IGE) will add several popular MMO-related websites to its stable of online assets. In response to the controversy surrounding each sale, Affinity Media execs will repeatedly and loudly remind everyone that IGE was sold off long ago and that Affinity is now a completely legitimate, independent gaming media company. Throughout the year, various legal papers, as well as conflicting statements made by their own executives will reveal these claims to be outrageous falsehoods. Affinity Media executives will continue to express outrage that ?no one trusts us?, and ?we can’t ever get a break.? [Pig]

20. During an episode of the Dr. Phil Show on the topic of MMO addiction, Dr. Phil will publicly diagnose the executives of Affinity Media as having ?truth impairment syndrome?. Affinity Media will issue a public press release decrying Dr. Phil’s diagnosis. When a reporter points out that the release was printed on IGE letterhead, the Affinity executive will scream, ?Why don’t you people ever believe me?!?? [Elvyra]

21. The Conan MMO will be a surprising success. This will be based, in large part, due to the ?drunken brawling? mini game, the sex mini game, the gambling mini game, and the chop-the-heads-off-of-everything-you-see main game. [The Evil Kristof]

22. Chinese and Korean MMOs will continue to claim ridiculous subscription numbers. In one incident, the developers of Golden Sword Online will announce that they have 23 billion subscribers. [Pig]

23. In October of 2008, Jack Thompson will file a lawsuit against God Himself, claiming that the Almighty is involved in a ?conspiracy? that plans to ?bring violent video games into the homes of innocent children.? On his way to the preliminary hearing, as he walks up the courthouse steps, Jack will be inexplicably struck by a lightning bolt that immediately causes his hair to catch fire. The now flaming Thompson will run down the courthouse steps, across the grassy area in front of the courthouse, and explode in front of a bus load of schoolchildren. After a moment of surprised hesitation, the entire bus load of children will erupt in applause. [Stinkerbelle]

24. In Q4 of 2008, Perpetual Entertainment will announce that they are firing most of the developers working on Star Trek Online. With a straight face, a Perpetual executive will state that this will ?add polish? and make the development of the game ?more streamlined? prior to its impending release. Amazingly, no one in the gaming press will use the words ?preposterous? in any of the articles covering this announcement. In what is certain to be nothing more than an amazing coincidence, this announcement occurs just days before Perpetual executives are scheduled to meet with potential new investors. [Pig]

25. In an effort to solve world hunger, MMOs will be introduced to countries currently experiencing famine. They will become wildly popular, immediately causing an obesity problem in the entire population of the heretofore starving nation. [Elvyra]

26. The entire executive staff of the ESA, the organization responsible for The Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), will resign en masse. In the press release accompanying this event, the CEO of the ESA will acknowledge that, ?In light of the disaster that the ‘new’ E3 was in 2007, we realized that we obviously have no idea what we’re doing,? and ?Damn, we really, really suck at this.? A 26 year-old gaming blogger with no experience will assume control of the ESA and immediately order his entire staff to ?do the exact same stuff you guys did in 2006.? Under the blogger’s leadership, the E3 event that occurs in the summer of 2008 is a big, bold, over-the-top celebration of gaming. Needless to say, everyone loves it. [Stinkerbelle]

27. The various people who met in MMOs and married during 2007 will begin to bear children. Several of these children will be named Illidan, Thrall, and Jaina. [Elvyra]

28. At the end of Q4 of 2008, Perpetual Entertainment will announce the firing of 60 additional staff members and the cancellation of Star Trek Online. This will be blamed on a ?lack of financial resources to continue with production?. Perpetual will announce that remaining company resources will now be devoted exclusively to the development of their newly announced MMO, ?Dune Online?, which they promise will be a grade-A game. [Stinkerbelle]

     

Bonus Prediction: In late 2008, Affinity Media will purchase WanderingGoblin.com for a record 10 million dollars. In a press release announcing this acquisition, Pig himself will proclaim that ?the entire staff is overjoyed to be working with the most completely trustworthy gaming media company on the planet.? In what is certainly an amazing coincidence, every snarky, mocking, or cynical article written about IGE or Affinity on the Wandering Goblin website will suddenly and inexplicably be deleted. [Pig]

Copyright 2008 by WanderingGoblin.com. All rights, even to bad parody and poorly written satire like this pile of tripe, are all completely reserved.

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