My Mom Pwns Noobs (Part Deux)

Connie is alway fond of exchanging polite banter with her fellow gamers.

After Ms. Pac Man, there were the handheld games. While LED poker was a temporary fix, it didn?t really satisfy. Connie said she enjoyed the games – even played them all day – mostly because there wasn?t anything else. She wanted something more, but didn?t know what it was.

Then her son, Tim, who was at that time an aspiring special effects artist in his 20s, bought a new computer. The whole point of owning that computer was so that Tim could utilize some of the new graphic software, enhancing his ever-growing artistic talents. But there was something Tim didn?t count on. On his computer was a little game called Tetris.

“Oh, that game will suck away your life,” said Connie, rolling her eyes.

Tetris proved to be an instant addiction. “It was like that Ms. Pac Man game, all over again,” said Connie. “I couldn?t stop playing.”

Tim knew her gaming habits had resurfaced when he started working at night. His hours were crazy, and he?d often come home at 3 AM. As he?d pull up into the driveway, he noticed that his bedroom light was on. “As I got home, my bedroom light would suddenly turn off. By the time I got inside, Mom would be in her room, ?asleep?. And if I touched my computer when I got upstairs, it would be warm,” he said, laughing. “I knew what she was up to. She’d been up all night playing Tetris.”

“Oh, that game will suck away your life”

At this time Tim?s friends were all in their 20s – prime years for gaming. When they learned of Connie?s obsession with Tetris, they tried to challenge her. The thinking is understandable. It hearkens to that old putdown among gamers: You play like someone?s mom, dude!

Their overconfidence was repeatedly shattered. Every now and then one would get onto the high scores page, but Connie would simply knock him off again. With Ms. Pac Man, Connie hadn?t been content to simply have the highest score. She wanted her initials on all ten top scores. With Tetris, that desire resurfaced. Connie soon found that she had to control every single space on that high scores page. And she did. None of her son?s friends lasted long; Connie dominated the game, and knocked them off the leader boards time and time again.

There was one exception: Russ. Russ, a special effects artist like Tim, rose above Tim?s other friends. He devoted significant time and effort to dethrone Connie. He wasn?t above using some psychological warfare. Primarily, Russ utilized two techniques to challenge her dominance. Russ would play at odd times, whenever opportunity struck. That way, when Connie fired up the game, she would get a surprise – Russ? name on the leader boards. He knew this would push her buttons, and it did.

This is Russ and Kong.  Russ is the one on the right.

Russ took things to an even higher level, too. That particular version of Tetris allowed longer names – not just three initials – to be input whenever a player got onto the leader board. Russ exploited this feature, crafting messages for Connie utilizing multiple high scores. “I?d type stuff to taunt her, like:

BET U

CANT BEAT

THESE

SCORES

across the four top scores, and it would just drive her crazy. I knew the moment she saw that, she?d just have to try to get me off of there. She?d play for hours to top any score I put up.” The Russ-Connie rivalry lasted for years and, according to both contenders, Connie came out on top. She smiles when she talks about it now, as she clearly enjoyed that rivalry.

After Tetris came video poker. Although poker isn?t Connie?s first choice in gaming, it?s an old standby. She?s been consistently playing it for years. “We?ve had a good number of poker games – handhelds, video games, that kind of thing – over the years. My skills got pretty good from playing them. I even went to Vegas once, sat down at a table full of men, and won six hundred dollars. You see women poker players now, but this was 20 years ago.”

“I actually ticked a couple of the good ol? boys off,” Connie went on to say. After winning for a while, I mentioned that I needed to cash out.  Then I stayed for a few more hands, and won most of those. One of the guys started grumbling and said, ?I thought you were leaving? to me,” she said, laughing.

Beyond poker, there have been other casual games. Connie really enjoys the card games that come on most computers. Free Cell, various forms of solitaire, and other simple games all serve as good ways to pass the time, even if they don?t fulfill Connie?s need to compete.

One particular addiction has struck a chord with nearly everyone Connie meets: her expertise at crane games. Anyone that?s ever seen Connie play a crane game is utterly amazed by her skill. She dominates. I talked with Connie about crane games, and she gave me a few insights.

While you can certainly have a lot of fun with cranes, this is not the kind of crane game Connie is talking about.

First of all, Connie dispelled the idea that crane games are on some sort of timer. In case you don?t know, there are studies that indicate that crane games are set to win only one out of every 17 to 20 times. The crane mechanism simply grips more tightly about 5 or 6% of the time, allowing you to actually pick up a prize. According to people who study these kinds of things, no matter how good you are, you can?t win more than once in a great while, and the odds are against you.

According to Connie, she was never affected by that. “I win about every other time I play. I don?t know if the crane grips more tightly every once in a while. It never mattered. If I?m careful, I can win a lot more than one out of twenty or whatever.”  We were surprised to learn that, if she put ten dollars in quarters into a typical 50-cent crane game, she’d come home with around 10 stuffed toys.  “That’s nothing,” Connie said.  “I got so many toys I don’t know what to do with them all.”

Connie also waxed philosophical about crane games with timers. “Those suck. I don?t have enough time to make sure the crane is in the right position.”

Her son, Tim, had his say on the crane games. “I hate those things. She keeps winning, and our house was full of those stupid made-in-China stuffed toys. I had to convince her to put them in trash bags and store them in the garage. There were tons of them. Finally, finally, she gave a bunch of them to a Christmas charity toy drive. They were driving me crazy.” At the end, he added this enigmatic comment, “?and I think they?re full of bugs. Little, nasty bugs from China. Those toys creep me out. I don?t want them in the house. They?re gross.”

A typical crane game.  During our intensive research for this article, we learned that the toys found in these games are possibly full of “little nasty bugs from China.”

A Couple of Gaming Experiments

Captivated by Connie’s gaming expertise, we introduced her to some games we thought she might like.  The first was Katamari Damacy.  She was a quick learner.

“That’s a good game,” she said after playing for only a few minutes.  She indicated that it was easy to learn, and had an addictive style of play.  Connie expressed confusion at the comments made by the King of All Cosmos, however.  “What the heck is that guy trying to say?” she queried.

Typical King-speak.

Next we tried introducing Connie to Guitar Hero (both I and II).  Our friends Brian and Christie were having a little get together and, much to our surprise, Christie is a Guitar Hero master.  But the details will have to wait….until next time.

Coming Up:  My Mom Pwns Noobs, Part III

In our third and final installment of My Mom Pwns Noobs, we get Connie to play both Guitar Hero (hilarity ensues!) and we really go out on a limb, getting Connie to mess around in World of Warcraft.  Don’t miss it!

Copyright 2007 by WanderingGoblin.com.  All rights, even to literary nonsense like this, are reserved, and any rebroadcast or retransmission of this telecast article without the express written consent of major league baseball WanderingGoblin.com is strictly forbidden!. 

P.S.  Connie, we want our Katamari Damacy disk back!  You can’t keep it forever!  We know where you live!