An Open Letter to Uwe Boll

Dearest Uwe -

I realize, due to the films you?ve made, that you?re something of a controversial figure amongst my fellow gamers, geeks, and horror freaks. I am also aware of the equally controversial “boxing exhibition” you staged, in which you squared off against some of your critics.

Truth be told, our site?s editorial policy – topics have to be game-related, and they have to be funny – pretty much precludes us from covering either your movies or your publicity stunts. Not that this would normally hinder us, but we?ve also found some of your shenanigans to be in such bad taste that even we wanted to avoid putting them on the site. (Particularly noteworthy was when you bullied that 17 year-old kid in front of his mother. But hey, you only outweighed him by?what, 30 or 40 pounds, right? Very impressive.)

However, I fully and honestly acknowledge your right to make as many excruciatingly bad movies as you like. Heck, you bought the rights to them. You also have every right to stage PR stunts – even if they appear to be setups, and your opponents completely unprepared – as often as you desire. I further acknowledge that you also have the right to your own opinions on the quality of such PR stunts and, more importantly, your own films.

No matter. None of this has anything to do with this letter. I didn?t write this because you?re a bad filmmaker, or because you?re a bully.

I?m writing because of Postal. You see, in Postal, you really cross the line. You really touch a nerve, and you go too far.

The problem is the leaked opening sequence of Postal, in which terrorists fly a plane into the Twin Towers as heroic Americans break into the cockpit to try to stop them. There?s also a related 9/11 “sight gag”, which you released to the public as an attempt to generate publicity. Dude, come on. That?s not funny. It?s downright mean.

Look, 9/11 happened less than six years ago. More than 3,000 people died that day. They were murdered, you ignorant toad. It?s waaaaaay too soon to be joking around about that kind of thing. In fact, this is the kind of thing that will never be funny.

Need I remind you that the primary suspect in those murders, Osama bin Laden, is still outstanding? That day will always stir unbelievably strong emotions in the families of his victims. The fact that justice hasn?t exactly been served keeps those emotions very much on edge. There is no closure, at least not yet.

What?s more, on that day we went to war. Brave men and women, at this very moment, sit on the front lines, risking life and limb to keep the terrorists on the run. Many have been killed in that attempt. The war is still going on. There is no closure in this either.

There is nothing more serious than this. Many people have been killed. Their families suffer, Uwe. Every single one of the families murdered in the 9/11 attacks, as well as the families of the brave soldiers killed in the war, still grieve. They grieve. And you make ugly, inappropriate, incredibly insensitive jokes about all of this.

Nice, dude. Very thoughtful. Very sensitive.

On top of this, the guys at Bollbashers found an old quote of yours in which you refer to the 9/11 attacks as your favorite television moment of all time.

Upon reading that quote, I?m struck by one question: What the heck is wrong with you?

Of course, there?s been an outcry. But, based on your past behavior, I doubt you are listening. I don?t think it?s in you, in your psyche, to hear the genuineness of it. You?ll never cut the opening sequence, nor withdraw your “sight gag”, nor will you apologize for your comments. Hell, it wouldn?t surprise me if you started making “gags” about the holocaust, child molestation, or the murdering of babies. Knowing you, your next film might even be a “comedy” about Columbine or Charles Ng. You?re just kind of broken like that. So I have a proposal for you.

Fight me.

You may not understand sensitivity, or compassion, or even right and wrong. But one thing you clearly understand is publicity. Fight me, and you?ll probably get a bunch. In fact, I?ll bet every horror nerd and every game geek will know about it. Because of the response your last boxing event got, this?ll be bigger than before. It?ll serve as a great publicity stunt, and it?ll no doubt generate buzz for some of your upcoming films. There is, of course, a catch.

If you lose, you have to agree to cut the 9/11-related opening sequence from your film. And you have to publicly apologize to the families of those who?ve been killed in the war, and those murdered on 9/11.

In return, if you win, I?ll write a nice two-page review of your next film. I swear, I?ll find something about it that I like, and I?ll praise it. Because of the fight, a good number the websites run by my fellow game geeks will likely link to that review, and you?ll get some positive press from your otherwise harshest critics. Based on the past, it may be the only positive review your film will get.

Sound fair?

I know you are very careful about your match-ups, making sure you have advantages in size, strength, weight, and boxing experience. Let me reassure you, you?ve got every advantage. I?m older than you, I?m out of shape (heck, I?m a gelatinous mass of goo), and my combined amateur, semi-pro, and professional boxing record is a whopping 0-0. The only advantages I?ll have over my predecessors is that I realize you mean business in the ring, and that this isn?t just an exhibition. Unlike them, I?ll also do some training. It probably won?t matter much, quite frankly. You and I both fully realize that no matter how Spartan my regimen, I?ll never match your lifetime of boxing skills. I won?t bother to claim that I?m going to drink raw eggs, or that?ll I?ll swear off cheeseburgers and won’t have any beers or cigars. I?m not going to pretend I?m some sort of tough guy. This isn?t Rocky.

Despite the disadvantages, I am sustained by the hope that I might land a wild shot and knock you on your ass. And if I do, you?ll have to cut your sick “gag” from your film, and apologize.

Even though you have the odds on your side, from my perspective, that hope alone is worth a shot.

If you?re interested, Uwe, you can contact me through the site.

With Absolute Sincerety,

Pig

www.WanderingGoblin.com