Driving Me Out of My Misshapen Skull

by

Pig

At any given moment, I find myself busy playing a number of online games. Since I?ve obviously got an impaired personality, I?ve decided to compose a list of multiplayer behaviors that drive me temporarily insane. I know I?m not alone in this. There are apparently many others driven to apoplexy by some of these common occurrences. In consideration of my fellow players, I?ve not only commented on the crazy-making activity itself, but on the amount of Prozac it will take to return someone to a state of normalcy after having been exposed. Enjoy!

The King of AFK

Not a biggie, unless this player is the only healer in your group. Generally, the king likes to go AFK a lot. This might be to get a drink, go to the bathroom, answer the phone, change the baby, have a cigarette, find out who?s at the door, or for no reason whatsoever. Often, the king will do this many times in a row. It gets worse if the king says, “I need to log, my (insert name of semi-relative here) needs to check her email. Can you guys save my spot?” The king, not always the most considerate person, will sometimes do this logging trick once per half-hour. This is a small crazy-maker, and is easily fixed with a bit of whining and complaining by the other members of your party. Prozac Level: 20 mg.

The Treasure Troll

You know this guy all too well. He is the person who loots everything, and keeps most of it. No consideration is given to fairness whatsoever. He ninja-loots at every opportunity. He loves to “master loot,” and he?s always the master. Sure, when MLing he might split some money with the group, but he makes everyone suspicious that he?s doing it Mafia style. He has also ludicrously claimed that he destroyed gems and other small valuables because he didn?t want to carry them, was encumbered, didn?t have the room in his inventory, or thought they weren?t important. He is also very careful to be the first person to loot a boss mob, and then claim that it didn?t drop anything significant. If an item drops that someone in the group needs, he?ll try to keep it for his alt (apparently he has more alts than the entire population of your server). Worst of all, sometimes the treasure troll manages to loot multiple high-value drops right in a row. And he?s excellent at justifying why he should keep them all. Prozac Level: Normally, 40 mg., but increase dosage by 20 mg for each high-value drop he manages to get his greedy paws on.

The Slow Puller

Most RPG groups prefer to camp a safe spot, and have someone pull monsters to them. It makes things a lot safer. The problem is when your puller just plain sucks at his job.

This usually takes one of three forms. The first is when the puller seems to not really realize that he is actually supposed to do all the pulling. He pulls once, then seems to be under the impression that it?s now someone else?s turn. When reminded, he?ll pull a second time, then wait for that mysterious, unnamed someone to take their turn. He needs constant prodding. It never seems to dawn on this guy that everyone is waiting for him to pull each time.

The second variation is the person who has a pulling method that no one has ever heard of before. He?ll pull, then loudly insist on some weird combination of mezzing, arrow shooting, rooting, stunning, and who-knows-what else. He often gets mad (and even types in ALL CAPS – oh my!) when people don?t do it his way, even though his way wouldn?t even make any sense to psychotics. This just slows things down until the group gets sick of this, and requests that someone else pull. It usually only takes about two or three pulls to get to that point.

The last, and most infuriating, method of slow pulling is the puller who is just plain taking their time. They do not seem to be in a hurry at all. They?ll pull, then stand with the rest of the group for several minutes after the mob is dead. It doesn?t matter that the mobs aren?t challenging at all, and that no one needs a rest. Then, after a nice chat, they?ll go out and pull again. After about 10 minutes your group has killed 3 mobs. It?s all veeeeeeery relaxed. Sadly, this person seems to be easily distracted by people passing by, questions asked by anyone, discussions about extraneous topics, the weather, and everything else. Prozac Level: 40 mg. And give some to the puller, it may help with his obvious ADHD problem.

The Itinerant Camper

Player comes to camp. Player asks to join group. Player plays for 10 minutes. Player gripes about experience received. Player persistently bugs group to go to another, “better” camp.

Yep, your stress level is rising just reading about this one, isn?t it? First, you have to wonder why Mr. I-Hate-It-Here came here in the first place. Second, you wonder why he keeps prattling on about how much better someplace else is when no one is encouraging or acknowledging a thing he says. Third, it is incredibly irritating when everyone else (and I?ve fallen into this trap WAY too many times), happy with this camp, agrees to go to the “better” spot just to shut dummy up. Fourth, it?s very bothersome when two group members decide this is the time to log off, another two have to go sell their loot and promise to “meet you there” (this, of course, takes 45 minutes), another person decides he needs to visit his trainer, and one guy gets lost on the way. Finally, after a lengthy time of travel, regrouping, reorganizing, replacing lost members, and all manner of similar activity, one of two results occurs. The itinerant camper either gets all of you killed, or you find out that this spot was nowhere near as great as you were led to believe. Prozac Level: 40 to 80mg, depending on how far you had to travel, how long it took you to get your group reorganized, and whether or not you were killed the moment you got to the “better” camp.

What?s My Job Again?

This is in reference to the player who doesn?t actually know what his role in the group is. Generally, this guy is way off, too. I?ve grouped with healers who honestly felt their role was melee combat. Why? Because they were higher level than the two fighters in the group (if this doesn?t make sense to you either, join the club). I?ve grouped with fighters who insisted on standing around and shooting arrows, when some tanking and taunting was desperately needed. I know of clerics who have genuinely believed that nuking was their purpose in life. I?ve met buffing-class players that didn?t like to give buffs. I?ve played with area-effect casters who?ve been reluctant to use AE spells, as these might cause some aggro. And I?ve grouped with crowd-control classes who?ve been totally surprised by requests that they actually mesmerize some of the monsters that are brought to camp. (It is a strange experience when, after getting your butts kicked by some nasty mobs, the enchanter asks the group, “You guys want me to try mezzing some of them next time?”)

There are minor infractions in this area, ones that generally won?t do as much harm as much as the totally clueless geeks, above. These include pet classes that don?t have the pet do any fighting, and hybrids that don?t use any of their hybrid abilities when they are needed (EQ paladins that never heal, DAoC thanes that don?t nuke, etc). I once even grouped with a pulling shaman, and a ranger who cast so many spells that mobs repeatedly aggroed and butchered him. These infractions can bug at times, but really aren?t a big deal. Prozac Level: 45 mg if a healer is involved, 25 mg for all others.

The Newest Player Class: The Smoker

I touched on this in my last column: the dope-smoking player. Aside from having a marijuana-inspired name (Toker BudLeaf, et al), and advocating the use of MJ in a game chock full of teenagers and preteens, this guy is often simply a terrible player. I once grouped with a guild composed of real life friends, all of whom were avowed dope smokers. For an excruciating two hours, I joined them as they did a lot a sitting around, falling in water, making marijuana jokes, talking about marijuana inspired songs/bands/music, etc. What they didn?t do was a lot of hunting or playing. (We probably killed a couple of dozen mobs that whole time). And I was the only one who noticed. Imagine that. Prozac Level: Zero. There are already WAY too many mind-altering chemicals involved here.

The Pervert

Thankfully, this is very rare. When it does occur, it?s disturbing to everyone. In the several years I?ve been playing online games, I?ve seen this only a few times. Once, a male player inappropriately asked, and then emoted, something that would get him thrown in jail if it transpired in real life. The second instance was really a series of incidents by one clearly troubled individual. He?d find a compliant female player, stand near her, and emote like mad about the oils he was using to give her foot massages, etc. Everyone around him was subject to this crap as well, but he?d keep it up for long periods of time. This is distasteful at a minimum, but I was comforted by two facts: first, my guild rejected him as a member because of it, and second, many “females” in the game are actually 17 year old guys named Kevin. Prozac Level: 50 mg for everyone who has to listen to the perv. 100 mg for any woman approached by him. Also, 200 mg of lithium and two years of psychotherapy for the perv himself.

The Gender-Challenged Individual

I hate it, you hate it, everyone gripes about it. Some guys just love to role-play women. Why? They get more stuff from dumb male players. You?d think we?d all have learned by now. Yet we fool ourselves into thinking: 1, this is really a woman, and 2, she actually looks like that in real life. In reality, it is more likely that this is some high school dude who is laughing, very loudly, at you the whole time. As sick as this is, I almost think that this guy and the pervert, above, deserve each other. Prozac Level: 20 mg if you grouped with this person, 50 if you flirted with him/her/whichever, and 100 mg if you gave them in-game gifts. Yes, you are still straight, even if it went this far. Sort of.

The Accommodator

I?m not bagging on nice, considerate, helpful players here. I?m actually one of those people (I hope!). I?m bagging on those who, in the name of being nice, become a bigger problem themselves. This occurs when some needed person in your group simply cannot say no to people making requests of him or her. Depending on the game, this might be your group?s spell-caster or nuker who is willing to teleport anyone who asks (thus disrupting your group until that person gets back). Worse, it might be a healer who “needs” to resurrect someone far from your camp. This is sometimes similar to the problem with the itinerant camper, above, in that the rezzer can?t get out of, or back into, your deep dungeon camp spot without the help of the rest of the group. In that case, you all are generally forced to pack up, travel along with the rezzer, do the rez, and go back to your original camp. Further, you have to wait for his mana/power to recharge after each rez. Prozac Level: 25 mg for each time the accommodator has to leave the group. 25 mg more if you all have to come with him.

Mother Theresa for Money

Somebody screws up, and you and your friends get into big trouble. Maybe you are even killed. There is no easy way out. Then some nice guy comes along and agrees to help you. This may be (depending on the game) by dragging your bodies to a safe location, killing a monster so you can get to your corpse, killing some uber-mob, or enabling your group to get to a safe location. This type of help is generally free.

Sadly, if helping you means transporting you somewhere or resurrecting you, be prepared to pay in cash. Why is it that the seemingly good-spirited, gentle, altruistic cleric suddenly demands 50 platinum to resurrect you? Don?t want to pay? Well, you?re going to stay dead a long time. Or the teleporting druid who won?t take you to where you and your buddies died, even though you are naked and don?t have dime.

I?ve never seen a fighter try to extort money from healers and casters by volunteering to taunt monsters off of them. I?ve never seen a rogue demand payment for sneaking into somewhere and scouting out the opposition. Why, then, do some priest classes feel the need to get paid to perform one of their most basic functions? The irony of this is, well, an affront to fake game religions everywhere. Prozac Level: One mg for every platinum you had to pay one of these holy, priestly guys to “help” you.

The Guy From Rivendell

Ever play with a guy who really thought he was in a Tolkein book? This guy simply cannot interact normally. I’m not against an occasional role-play idiom, but this guy only converses in some weird Elizabethan pigeon-English. He speaks as if he were really a wandering noble. And he takes it way too far.

Feel free to substitute the Federation for Middle Earth (or, for that matter, Xanth, Narnia, a galaxy far far away, or any other alternate universe) in the above example. It’s all so hard-core nerdy that it distracts everyone. Prozac Level: Gotta handle this one “Hi Bob” style. Take one mg for every “Aye”, “M’lady”, “M’lord”, “Yonder,” and “MeThinks,” uttered by the offender. If he uses the words “Miscreant”, “Good Gentles”, or “Breeches”, take 2 mg for each offense. If he actually says “Forsooth”, “Accursed”, or (worst of all) yells “Curses!”, “Drat!”, or “Fie Upon Thee, Foul Beast!” immediately disband him, and then fall upon him and kill him without mercy.

The Repeat Offender

This is a simple one. Player X decides he?s going to do something dumb. This results in a minor disaster, which the group survives. The group tells player X that this is unwise, and asks him not to do it again. Player X apologizes, and says he won?t repeat the behavior. Player X then promptly repeats the behavior.

The most common example of this is the classic suicide maneuver, double pulling. I once grouped with a fighter who simply insisted on wandering around when our puller was out pulling. During his little travels, he repeatedly stumbled into nearby monsters, and brought them back to our camp. Several times the group’s official puller also brought monsters back at the same time. We complained, the fighter understood, and said he was sorry. Thirty seconds later he was up, walking around again, when the room popped. We now had three mean-spirited lizards to deal with, and our fighter was out for a walk. Then the puller returned, bringing another reptilian friend. This would have been tough, but we would have made it. Unfortunately, the fighter who?d been out for a stroll also brought two lizards, and this was just too much. Result: group wipeout. Prozac Level: 30 mg if it?s a reasonably safe camp, as this is merely irritating. 80 mg if the repeat offender gets your whole group killed at this safe camp.

Ok, friends, I know this isn?t a complete list, but that?s it for this week. I?ll be sure to update you more when more stuff bugs me!